Today was hard and cold. The weather, a blizzard in March, was an appropriate metaphor for how I felt. It is very strange when the rest of the world thinks you should be happy, but your own emotional apparatus doesn't.

I took a year off from medical school to work on a masters in epidemiology. There was no real reason for this decision, other than a deep desire to slow down. Just slow down. The point was not even to find myself or re-evaluate my values or anything else that would be beneficial to me. In fact, if there had to be a point, it would be to avoid things that would be beneficial to me; I'm tired of every decision, every summer job, every contact, every breath being judged under the litmus test of whether it will make me look better, sound better, work better, earn better, and be better. Very tired. So this year, I'm slowing down and wasting time, and thinking; I need more time and space to think. That's the point of making a good living, right? To be unproductive, comfortable, and thoughtful in retirement. So why not start now? And why should I justify it to anyone (or myself)? Yet here I am hiding my true purposes under the guise of earning a masters in epidemiology. Old habits die hard.